Aahhh! The optimistic smell of a new year, with all it’s fresh perspectives & renewed energy to take on new opportunities.
Well, after making a full recovery from the most epic of New Years Eve parties – my 34 year old knees needed to rest from way too much dancing excitement – and sufficiently stalking all my favourite insta-bloggers’ “New Year, New Me” posts, while getting bombarded by gym registration, fitness app sign ups and new diet ads (and…surviving January), I felt like I wanted to throw my phone away!
Instead, I unfollowed about 150 accounts, all related to getting in shape, dieting and basically wanting to change your body out of what seemed like negative reasons. Because honestly, I am so done with that shit. There I said it!
So here’s the story…
2018 was big year for me. But not in any way anyone can measure materially. Rather, from an emotional & mindset point of view. It was seriously a game changer.
I did a lot of confronting of uncomfortable feelings & thoughts, did a lot of trying new things and as a result, did A LOT of getting rid of old things that were not serving me anymore, to make room for better. YAY!
The 3 biggies:
1. (You might know this one already) I quit that nasty little cigarette habit
Now this was one thing I definitely did not think I would ever actually do.
But the short of it is, I didn’t wanna feel crap anymore. I’d gotten pretty good at avoiding food that made me feel like shit (most of the time), but was still holding onto smoking, until about 5 months ago.
After my retreat (read about that here), where I spent a weekend ciggy-less, I just decided…I was no longer a smoker. Sounds simple. And, very frankly, it really, really has been.
Of course, with a few wines in my system, I have succumbed a couple of times since then. And also one particularly late, particularly brutal day (and night, and very early morning) at the office.
But, I have fought AND won this battle 164 days out of 167. And so, I refuse to feel shitty about a couple of slips when I was slightly tipsy or extremely overworked & exhausted.
This win, I will take, thank you very much!
2. I replaced my monthly gym contract with a monthly yoga studio membership
So here’s the thing…Even after hiring a personal trainer to help motivate my ass to get to the gym at least twice a week, that unused grey card was burning a hole in my purse (and the R300-odd rand, was burning a hole in my budget every month)
I just wasn’t motivated to go anymore.
It started feeling like a chore. I was bored with my workouts. I preferred a long run down the wine route road near our home, over 20mins on the treadmill listening to techno (#nojudgies if you’re into techno).
And, I was just really, really exhausted.
I was tired of Jedi-Mind-Tricking myself into believing I was going to gym to “let off some steam” or “relieve stress”. Because deep down, I knew the real reason was that I hated my body and I felt like I needed to beat it into submission – into “thinness”.
Not a great reason to be there, right? Exactly.
And it was NOT an easy decision let me tell you! I think I told The Hubster I was thinking about cancelling my contract 2 months before I actually did it.
Because I was scared.
I was afraid that – even though I wasn’t actually going to gym anymore – somehow cancelling the contract would mean I would put on more weight. As if that silly grey membership card, just sitting in my purse, was keeping me from getting bigger. LOL!
But, I knew I still wanted, and needed, to move my body regularly. So I start going to yoga more regularly.
And slowly – still work in progress over here – I am learning to start to respect (yes!) myself and my body, instead of berate it.
I think that means I’m winning 🙂
3. I donated ALL my “thin” clothes (and a few other nostalgic items)
Yep, you heard me. I got rid of all those items of clothing I was saving for when I was “back to my normal weight”.
After I gave up the gym contract, I knew that because I was now no longer able to even fool myself into thinking I was gonna be in HIIT class 3 to 4 times a week, there was no way I was fitting into anything I still owned from my “thin-phase”.
Yep, we all have that time: The pre-baby body or the Wedding body or your 25 year old body.
And don’t get me wrong, working towards a better version of ourselves is of course totally do-able and necessary. We should all be trying to be better everyday!
When that “better self” ideal comes with negative feelings, thoughts and actions, like; Guilt for eating a slice of cake at your kids birthday party, or Shame, when you’re trying on clothing and catch a glimpse of the stretch marks, the flabby skin or the cellulite that kids, genetics or a healthy appetite for Nik Naks might have given you, and even… Judging other women’s body “flaws” because you’re projecting your own bullshit onto them.
Well then, I ask you, is the version of that “better self” worth all these bad vibes?
And for me, the answer was – Nope!
And, just like my gym card, burning a hole in my purse, all those beautiful clothes I was selfishly hoarding, were burning a hole on my conscience. They were making me feel bad about myself for not fitting into them. And I was over feeling that way.
So, I cleaned out my cupboard.
I donated my prized collection of cocktail dresses – collected in my 20’s, when dressing up for clubs meant wearing more that just an oversized t-shirt, with no pants 😐
And all the heels I wore only once or twice, for a wedding, or a party. Because, even though those still fit my feet, they didn’t my life anymore.
I also gave some stuff away to friends. Including a fabulous pair of high-waisted pants I had to have made smaller to fit my waist of 3 years ago. And then never ever got a chance to actually wear. LOL!
The best part of this, has been shopping for pieces to replace some of the stuff I gave away 😉
Now, I’ve never really been one to make resolutions. And 2019 is no different. But, I do feel that if 2018 was about clearing out the crap, 2019 is about grabbing onto the opportunities that have now opened up.
So, here we go 😉
A happy & blessed 2019 to you.